Pennsic photos

[norsegirl]

Found a bunch of Pennsic pictures here. And by "a bunch", I mean SMACKLOADS, like 1500+! Sifted through them and managed to find a few shots of me and mine:

Some pics of me and discussions on my fighting at Pennsic


I believe this was near the end of the Mountain Pass battle, Ealdormere was told to fall back and guard the flag. This is during a hold, but I'm doing what I was told, which is why there are no enemies and it just looks like we're relaxing. I was totally in the battle, I just didn't do much.


A close-up - see, look ME!

Earlier in the week I entered a tourney. The "fighting laurel's prize tourney" which I figured would be relatively easy, being most laurels are not knights, but every knighted or apprenticed laurel came out to this thing. In a field of 17 fighters, we had two kings, countless dukes, a handful of knights, a couple of squires and maybe 4 total joes, including myself. Tangwystl sponsored my entry into the tournament and I was really proud to fight for her, but at the same time terrified that I would make a fool of myself and tarnish her honour. She kept telling me how proud she was of me for being brave enough to get out there and I kept feeling like a total fake as I put on my bravado and quaked with fear inside.

The first fight I was mercilessly one-shotted by a duke sir "I'm 7 feet tall and you're a shrimp". I think my second fight was much the same. By the third fight (I think) I finally got to fight someone without a white belt, but I was so disheartened and totally on the defence that he got a walk-through. Pictured below:


At this point Tangwystl had other plans and took her leave from the field, and about now is when Jason made an appearance. The next fight was against a florentine duke. I'd never fought against anyone with two swords before (come on, I've only been to three practices already!) and I didn't have a clue what to do. I got legged, lost an arm, and cried because it was my bad wrist and I was feeling pretty emotional. And called "good" on a head shot he thought wasn't because I needed to get off the field and pop my helm NOW!


Me getting legged


Going down to my knees

Jason had to spend the next while fetching me kleenex while the water-bearers went mad with worry - "I'm not dehydrated or hurt, it's a girl thing, I don't want to talk about it, please go away." Though one of them wouldn't take "go away" for an answer and kindly brought me a cup of ice and that was really relaxing against my face and did help calm me.

The next fight I also lost, and lost it again on my way off the field.

The next fight by some miracle I won. I'm still not sure if I won it or if he gave it to me, but as my usual agressiveness had finally made a reappearance it is possible I found a legitimate opening. And despite winning, I also left the field crying. So now it's not pain, or being disheartened at losing, now it's just pure, raw emotion. Incidentally I fought brifly with him and his brothers (kinda, I drifted a lot not having a unit of my own) in the mountain pass battle. He seemed like a really nice guy. I can't recall his name, but he was a squire in yellow and blue chequey.

I think there might have been one more fight, which I lost. But by the end I had regained my composure enough that I wasn't in tears, though my breathing was probably still all jerky and ragged.

After it was over I had a moment with one of the other female competitors, Marie, who gave me a ring and some words of encouragement. I fought a few pick-ups with her before packing up the armour and calling it a day.

Marie is in the red and white.

I came in last place but still got to pick a prize as all entrants had to also provide a prize. The beads I had made went pretty far down the list of prizes, behind a necklace made of *maybe* some handmade beads and a lot of commercial spacers. I guess in future I should string them if I want them to be more attractive. I got a shuttle for weaving, which I'm not sure I will ever use as the wood it pretty rough and I imagine it will snag the work. Would it be wrong to sand someone else's carving to make it smoother? Should I try to make it a useful piece or keep it as a piece of art (it is quite pretty, even if it isn't practical at this point)?

I was also awarded a pretty knitted pouch for "grace and poise on the field" (according to Jason's recollection, I was too fried to even take it in). I'm not sure if that was sarcasm and/or pity or if they were impressed that I stuck it out and kept coming back despite the tears.

Anyway, it was a good experience overall, but I'm not sure I'll ever enter another battle at Pennsic as it was just too much (and not a lot of real fighting as units, I like being part of a greater whole, not just being a guy on the field with a shield and no direction). Though I might bring the armour again next year so I can at least try the Ironrose tourney. I'd really like to be good enough to place in the newbie tournament.

And finally, I found Brigit in the background of one of the shots:

Comments

[utsi.livejournal.com]

i would say sand it and use it. life with the sca is too full of "stuff" not too hav esomething the is useful, as well as meaningfull and pretty. if the person were ever to ask, i am sure that they would either understand, or be interested in the whys.

btw. i am in total awe of your determination in continuing the tourney. such perseverance is totally amazing. i think you need to step back and appreciate what you did and subjected yourself to. it's hard to do something like that to begin with. let alone the fact that it was pennsic, and you were taking a licking and still ticking. i am not surprised that nerves and emotions got into the picture.

think back to tang's comments. she meant them.

would talking to another fighter help put things into some perspective?

also remember that pennsic is a pretty intensse experience without setting the hurdles for yourself that you did. that you jumped them and did well-
WOO HOO! you rock.

[eve-the-just.livejournal.com]

i would say sand it and use it. life with the sca is too full of "stuff" not too hav esomething the is useful

Yup, good call. Will do.

think back to tang's comments. she meant them.

I know, but she didn't see me cry, and I didn't say anything to her. It's like trying to please a parent. You want to impress them and prove your worth and so you don't want to tell them when you feel like you've let them down. I'm sure she'd be more sympathetic than disapointed, but it doesn't change that I feel ashamed about the whole incident.

would talking to another fighter help put things into some perspective?

Ugh, no. Talking to other fighters was what made it worse. Part of the stress came from people trying to give me a zillion pieces of advice and me knowing I wouldn't be able to synthesize it all. Sometimes with a new fighter, it's not about getting good in a hurry, it's just about getting comfortable. Worry about getting good later. I know that starting with bad form just leads to bad habits, but maybe try to focus on one thing, like "hold your shield this way" or "try to put your body in to your shots" but not both. And if someone looks overwhelmed by advice, maybe that's not the best time to give it. Maybe other newbies see it differently, but all I needed that day was to get out there and prove I could do that much, I wasn't working on my form, despite the presence and potential helpfulness of several white-belts.

[utsi.livejournal.com]

I'm sure she'd be more sympathetic than disapointed, but it doesn't change that I feel ashamed about the whole incident

why do you feel ashamed? you went into a situation that was more than you expected it to be. was certainly a deeper depth of water than you were used to. and you didn;t drown. i am totally in awe of your perseverence. most folk would have buckled and bowed out. you took a licking, and kept on ticking. even when it was becoming too much for your mind and emotions to procees, you kept chugging forward and giving your best. THAT. speaks volumes. that puts me in total awe. not letting things (or fighters, or fights) win by intimidating you into leaving.

that is likely why the award that they gave you was given. most new fighters don;t behave the way you did. and you still behaved in a manner that gave honour to your laurel. you might not feel like you did. but others did and do. don;t let self criticism overwhelm the acclaim and cudoes that others are trying to give you. things are being daid and done because you behaved in a worthy fashion. try to step back and let it sink in a little.

Ugh, no. Talking to other fighters was what made it worse. Part of the stress came from people trying to give me a zillion pieces of advice and me knowing I wouldn't be able to synthesize it all.

so try to let some of it sink in slowly. there's nothing saying that you can;t go back to someone now, and comment that you didn;t have a chance to fully absorb what they were saying at the time - could we talk about it now i'm a little more focussed on listening?

also, people mean well, but tmi- is still too danged much info. i have started saying to folk "stop. this is too much for me to handle/process/absorb. now is not a good time. could we tdiscuss/talk about this later?" it's taken me many years to find the ability to say this. i only wish i had learned to do this earlier on in my life. good intensions are a great thing... but i agree with you. when someone is in the middle of doing and coping- it's not the time to offer helpful technique tips. yog (o fighting guru that his is) would say that they were affecting your focus. and that in and of itself can through one off their game.

yog is actually a goo dperson to talk about these sort of fighting things to. he's really really into teaching and helping. and he's got an amazing handle on whole sports mind set element too. i wish it was possible to connect you more easily. i have listened to him again and again at events and fight practices. so i'm mostly repeating bits of what i have gained from listening to him myself. and it's helped me in a non fighting context.

Maybe other newbies see it differently, but all I needed that day was to get out there and prove I could do that much, I wasn't working on my form,

what does it matter how the other folk see it? you had a focus and goal. and it sounds to me like you attained it. you didn;t tread the path that they did. you chose your own way. and trod the path less travelled. so don;t beat yourself up now. you did it your way. be proud that you did. again, this is a hard thing to do given the pressure to conform in both society and Society. i find it causes me to constantly erode myself by feeling that i could have should have done things differently. perhaps this is part of the issue?

anyway. i don;t know if i have been helpful or just another hindrance :) i certainly have been verbose though. hopefully some of this was helpful. if you feel like continuing to talk... i'm game.

[eve-the-just.livejournal.com]

you took a licking, and kept on ticking

Sure, but then I should have gotten an award for persistance, not poise - LOL

And with regards to the "advice", 90% of it wasn't really advice but stuff I already knew and hadn't had time to work on. Things like "use your body to throw a shot" yeah, duh. In fact, I think 90% of the advice was those very words, over and over, by everyone and their dog. Yes, I get it! I'm just not going to be able to try to do it in a tournament, I need to take it to a pell to work on that. In a tournament you have to worry about finding openings before you throw a shot, and without experience, you don't get enough time to think about throwing your body into it, especially when you have to worry about aim and accuracy as well, not to mention the whole defence thing. With a pell, you can work on power because it's not going anywhere and it's not going to call foul if you hit below the knees or where the wrists would be because there aren't any, and I can forget about my shield arm. I need to get a pell and I knew that. I didn't need 40 people telling me to "use your body to power your shots" grrrrr. And when I could catch a breath between tears I DID tell them "no advice please" but they weren't listening. I don't have a problem telling people "not now". I DO have a problem with them thinking they know better than I do and not listening to my request.

And no, you're helpful, because I know your comments aren't you trying to look big/experienced by giving the newbie advice, or whatever. I know you care about me and you're also only trying to say things AFTER the fact, when I can deal with it.

I would love to see what Yog has to say about my fighting when next I return back East. For now I'll have to just go to the local practice and learn what I can. Maybe I'll at least have the basics by the time I get to move home. And if not, maybe I'll have my husband take video for him to critique.

About the stress and sports mind-set, this isn't a problem I've encountered before. Usually there's someone out there I know with me, even if I'm not fighting them and that makes me feel safe. There was NO ONE in the field I knew, so that probably added to it. And having people I know on the sidelines isn't the same. In fact, this was the first time I've had a non-fighter on the sidelines watching me, other than in a war with my brothers. Lots of other fighters see me at practice, and there is often moments where only me and my opponent are working together But it's just the other guys watching and it's not the same as having my husband or my laurel on the sidelines. Sure, there's pressure, but it feels different somehow.

There's also the heat, the lack of sleep, the fact that I was away from home (either Ontario or Edmonton) and my family and doggies and stressed about having to return to Edmonton, and guilty about not spending enough time with family when I was back East, and the hormones, and the wedding reception and seeing everyone. It was probably a poor time to enter my first tournament.

Thanks, talking to you is making me look more closely at the situation and maybe I'll be able to figure out what the trigger was...

[utsi.livejournal.com]

poise can be persistance under pressure.

how much of things escalating was building frustration on both sides?
folks telling you helpful hints was frustrating you, and they were likely getting frustrated watching and trying to help in the only way they could... i undertsand about the using the hips issue. in my brief stints with fighting, i have fruustrated gunther, and other notables... i just don;t get the motion. doesn't sink into my brain pan. no matter how much practice i got. even having one cahp hold my hips and move them for me.(boy there was a photo op). the guys tend to turn of their ears when this simple thing gets ignored... and i can see where tensio and frustration would build.

glad to know i am not being a pain :) i do tend to worry about such things.

i did take the liberty of mentioning some of this to yog. his first comment was... well what did she expect? i sputtered. he went on th epoint out the one's expectations going into stuff can affect how happy one is with how things turn out. a prize tourney is usually a fairly serious thing. and few fighters tend to be light about fighting to begin with. he went on for a great length talking about his issues with fighting and how his approach to tourneys has given him grief because he takes a different tack than most.

i find that yog usually has interesting insights into the headspace of fighting. likely his background in sports. and i suspect whenever you want to talk to him he would be happy to do so. i will ask him if email is an option, if you are interested.

if you want to go the video route, okay. but i suspect that you likely have decent teachers out there. it's just that learning a different system of moving takes a while sometimes. the movements in fighting are different. just like learning to dance, i guess. i started a dance class a while back (it's gotten put on the shelf at the moment) but i always giggle, because i know i have no where near the sesnse of co ordination that others do. some teachers get frustrated and over helpful. others understand that i am there for the fun, and i realize that i have a longer learning curve than most of their other students.

having someone you care watch creates performance anxiety. pure and simple. and yog would likely talk about the tourney mindset and headspace, because i gather it's a different thing than fighting in a battle, melee, or fight practice. more pressure and some thought processes get impaired. perhaps the differnece that you are sensing?

i am wondering what the difference in having someone you know fighting makes? did not having that make the experience more unknown and scarey (if only on a subconscious level)?

ananlyzing your reactions is the first step to understanding them. i have had way too many therapy sessions about stuff in my life :) once one starts to recognize what the triggers are, one can start to analyze why they are triggers. and it sounds like you are already doing that. next is figuring out how to cope and overcome them. and trying to do so. but identifying is half the battle. the rest is not easy, but downhill comparatively speaking.

sigh- pt 2 i was longer than i thought :(

[utsi.livejournal.com]

heat, exhaustion and other stresses don't help matters. it makes thinsg harder to examine.

it also sounds like you were trying to squeeze an awful lot into your two weeks. more perhaps than was humanly possible. i recently had an interesting discussion with an old friend about irritation. irritation, guilt, shame and anger are all realted. the first three are meerely anger channeled inward or in other ways than is obviousto the norm. don;t know if that helps matters any or not either. it was also pennsic. which i have found to be a difficult thing to handle. if your body cannot handle the heat and lack of sleep, and other adverse conditions.... you will not likely have as much fun as you would like. i know i become a totally differnet person by the end of the two weeks. some campmates never understood, and constantly gave me hassle and grief... until recently.... since they now have problems sleeping, they now understand.

i don;t know what it is about compassion and understanding. but lack of one, other or both when a bodies resources are down - can almost be a crippling thing. my last pennsic was spent in a constant state of tears and weeping because of that sort of thing.

anyway, fair chunks of writing and thoughts in these exchanges. i am enjoying this though. thank you.
(and since i exceeded the limit, more so lengthy than i realized i guess)

hugs, and hope the long weekend proves to be restful.

[rectangularcat]

Your description of crying reminds me of a talk my fencing teacher had with me - crying is a very female reaction to the adrenaline. I giggle a lot myself.

[eve-the-just.livejournal.com]

I used to giggle. I was okay with that reaction. Lately I feel like I want to cry at pretty much any provocation. A jingle selling soft drinks - getting veclempt, boo hoo! I think it may be time to get off the pill and normalize the hormones for a while.

[rectangularcat]

Umm, yeah - soft drinks should not make one cry... *grins*