Feeling short, writing long
Apr. 7th, 2008 12:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
norsegirlI’m feeling a little off. I’m lazy and accomplishing nothing. I can’t find the motivation to do anything, even the things I normally enjoy. I feel like I don’t have a lot of energy or get-up-and-go. I’m not sleeping well and I’m antsy. I’m just not comfortable in my own skin.
What’s really bugging me though is how short it has made my fuse. I get inordinately upset over the smallest things. I feel defensive and brash. I feel like I’m just reacting to things, not guiding my own destiny, and that I’m lashing out at people because I don’t control anything. Last night I got upset with Jason for getting the oven dirty by letting something bubble over. I completely lost sight of the big picture – that he made dinner and I didn’t so much as lift a finger to help him. We talked about it later that night, and it wasn’t a big blow-up or anything, so I don’t think he’s too upset about it, but it’s bugging me that I had that response.
And then there’s the “leaving the SCA” flounces. Yes, I have been thinking about this for months. The only thing keeping me coming out was a sense of loyalty and obligation and a bit of habit. Not that those are bad motives, but they aren’t really sufficient to be sole motivators, not if you really want your heart to be in it. And although leaving is the result of a long drawn-out decision and a slow decline in engagement, it feels like I’m just leaving in a huff over a disagreement I’ve recently had with someone. This makes me feel conflicted about the whole thing. As much as I don’t want to stay out of some sense of obligation, I also don’t want to feel, even a little bit, like I’m leaving because one person has irritated me. And right now I’m kinda feeling both irritated at one individual (or group of individuals) and obligated to another group. I don’t want to reverse my decision, I just want to be more comfortable with it.
And of course there’s the website thing from last night. I was toying with the idea of taking down the site anyway, but because of a disagreement with this person over the internet (who has always been disagreeable in any encounter I’ve had with her) I’m left feeling like I’ve just done it as a response to her complaints. This has left me feeling irritated and wasting way too much time thinking on it as well.
I’m pretty sure that I always get a little irritable this time of year. I’m anticipating change because of the season as this was the time of year for so long that school wrapped up and I could look forward to a summer of enjoyable things. Other than the weather, I’m not feeling like I have a whole lot to look forward to, or a whole lot of change in the wind, or at least not change that is predictable, controllable or desirable. Of course I’d also be short-fused back in my school days due to the stress of exams and of finding that all-important summer job (or at the end, trying to line up a real job and a career). In a way I guess this time of year just reminds me of my failure to fit into a real career and of course the move to a place I absolutely hate.
And on that moving subject… This is also the time of year that we have to renew our lease agreement on our place. That’s another sore point with me right now. I want to feel like a real grown up and be making mortgage payments, but I also know that we have a ridiculously good deal where we are and that a mortgage would actually cost us more, and probably just eat up what savings we have and make an eventual move that much harder. Based on the rent we’re paying now in the area we live in, I actually had a real estate agent advise me to stay there!!! Yup, it’s so good that even someone who could stand to make a commission off me recommended I sit tight. Financially, it makes a lot more sense to stay where we are, run one car, pay cheap rent and suck up all the flaws inherent in this place and keep stashing money away for the eventual house purchase. But the emotional part of me wants to own something, to settle in and make it really mine, and to be able to control the things like replacing windows and repairing leaks. I still couldn’t control the things like my neighbours, which is the most annoying thing at the moment. And it would be a whole lot more work to have to maintain a house so deep down I don’t really want one. So it would create far more problems than it would solve, even if I take money out of the equation. But I actually find myself watching Edmonton house prices in a half-assed kind of way and trying to picture myself in different areas of the city or in different listings on MLS even though I don’t really want to commit to staying here! Talk about conflicted emotions there.
Speaking of not wanting to stay in Edmonton, the snow-dump we had on Friday night didn’t exactly improve my mood at all.
I think part of the problem is work. My boss is under a lot of pressure right now and some of that is filtering down to me. My whole job is up in the air right now as there is really not enough work in a day to justify keeping me here. I may get transferred, I may get fired, or I may live out my contract in this seat “looking busy” and doing the occasional task. I don’t blame my boss, it’s not her fault at all and she is a victim of all the shake-ups too. But the uncertainty is unsettling.
With all the annoyances and my antsyness it’s easy to lose sight of the things that I am thankful for. I have a husband and puppies I love and who treat me well and love me back. I have parents I like and admire who also love me, great in-laws and a sister I miss constantly. I have a job that pays well and a boss who is really nice. I have a roof over my head and rooms large enough to fulfill our needs if I could just keep them tidy. We eat well and are generally pretty healthy, no major complaints anyway. We could always stand to be a little more fit, but we’re not sick at all. I have a lot of friends out here whose company I really, truly enjoy, and a lot of friends back home who would welcome me on my return.
Basic needs (food & shelter), health and relationships – that’s what a good life is all about right? So when all of that is going right, why am I getting my knickers in a knot over the little junk that’s not perfect. And why am I letting my responses to the things that don’t matter jeopardize the things that do?
Which brings me to the end of this whole wandering rant… you guys are my friends, and no matter how much I don’t call, or drift away and stop reading LJ or otherwise vanish from your lives, please know that I love you all and I really appreciate you being there for me. Thanks guys.
What’s really bugging me though is how short it has made my fuse. I get inordinately upset over the smallest things. I feel defensive and brash. I feel like I’m just reacting to things, not guiding my own destiny, and that I’m lashing out at people because I don’t control anything. Last night I got upset with Jason for getting the oven dirty by letting something bubble over. I completely lost sight of the big picture – that he made dinner and I didn’t so much as lift a finger to help him. We talked about it later that night, and it wasn’t a big blow-up or anything, so I don’t think he’s too upset about it, but it’s bugging me that I had that response.
And then there’s the “leaving the SCA” flounces. Yes, I have been thinking about this for months. The only thing keeping me coming out was a sense of loyalty and obligation and a bit of habit. Not that those are bad motives, but they aren’t really sufficient to be sole motivators, not if you really want your heart to be in it. And although leaving is the result of a long drawn-out decision and a slow decline in engagement, it feels like I’m just leaving in a huff over a disagreement I’ve recently had with someone. This makes me feel conflicted about the whole thing. As much as I don’t want to stay out of some sense of obligation, I also don’t want to feel, even a little bit, like I’m leaving because one person has irritated me. And right now I’m kinda feeling both irritated at one individual (or group of individuals) and obligated to another group. I don’t want to reverse my decision, I just want to be more comfortable with it.
And of course there’s the website thing from last night. I was toying with the idea of taking down the site anyway, but because of a disagreement with this person over the internet (who has always been disagreeable in any encounter I’ve had with her) I’m left feeling like I’ve just done it as a response to her complaints. This has left me feeling irritated and wasting way too much time thinking on it as well.
I’m pretty sure that I always get a little irritable this time of year. I’m anticipating change because of the season as this was the time of year for so long that school wrapped up and I could look forward to a summer of enjoyable things. Other than the weather, I’m not feeling like I have a whole lot to look forward to, or a whole lot of change in the wind, or at least not change that is predictable, controllable or desirable. Of course I’d also be short-fused back in my school days due to the stress of exams and of finding that all-important summer job (or at the end, trying to line up a real job and a career). In a way I guess this time of year just reminds me of my failure to fit into a real career and of course the move to a place I absolutely hate.
And on that moving subject… This is also the time of year that we have to renew our lease agreement on our place. That’s another sore point with me right now. I want to feel like a real grown up and be making mortgage payments, but I also know that we have a ridiculously good deal where we are and that a mortgage would actually cost us more, and probably just eat up what savings we have and make an eventual move that much harder. Based on the rent we’re paying now in the area we live in, I actually had a real estate agent advise me to stay there!!! Yup, it’s so good that even someone who could stand to make a commission off me recommended I sit tight. Financially, it makes a lot more sense to stay where we are, run one car, pay cheap rent and suck up all the flaws inherent in this place and keep stashing money away for the eventual house purchase. But the emotional part of me wants to own something, to settle in and make it really mine, and to be able to control the things like replacing windows and repairing leaks. I still couldn’t control the things like my neighbours, which is the most annoying thing at the moment. And it would be a whole lot more work to have to maintain a house so deep down I don’t really want one. So it would create far more problems than it would solve, even if I take money out of the equation. But I actually find myself watching Edmonton house prices in a half-assed kind of way and trying to picture myself in different areas of the city or in different listings on MLS even though I don’t really want to commit to staying here! Talk about conflicted emotions there.
Speaking of not wanting to stay in Edmonton, the snow-dump we had on Friday night didn’t exactly improve my mood at all.
I think part of the problem is work. My boss is under a lot of pressure right now and some of that is filtering down to me. My whole job is up in the air right now as there is really not enough work in a day to justify keeping me here. I may get transferred, I may get fired, or I may live out my contract in this seat “looking busy” and doing the occasional task. I don’t blame my boss, it’s not her fault at all and she is a victim of all the shake-ups too. But the uncertainty is unsettling.
With all the annoyances and my antsyness it’s easy to lose sight of the things that I am thankful for. I have a husband and puppies I love and who treat me well and love me back. I have parents I like and admire who also love me, great in-laws and a sister I miss constantly. I have a job that pays well and a boss who is really nice. I have a roof over my head and rooms large enough to fulfill our needs if I could just keep them tidy. We eat well and are generally pretty healthy, no major complaints anyway. We could always stand to be a little more fit, but we’re not sick at all. I have a lot of friends out here whose company I really, truly enjoy, and a lot of friends back home who would welcome me on my return.
Basic needs (food & shelter), health and relationships – that’s what a good life is all about right? So when all of that is going right, why am I getting my knickers in a knot over the little junk that’s not perfect. And why am I letting my responses to the things that don’t matter jeopardize the things that do?
Which brings me to the end of this whole wandering rant… you guys are my friends, and no matter how much I don’t call, or drift away and stop reading LJ or otherwise vanish from your lives, please know that I love you all and I really appreciate you being there for me. Thanks guys.
